How do you solve a problem like Beyoncé?

We write a lot about Grantland here, but I can’t say I’m surprised that it’s one of our readers who first received mention in those e-pages (not counting friend-of-the-site Jalen Rose, of course):

As for any actual official confirmation, the Times said that “a publicist for Beyoncé … did not return several telephone calls and e-mail messages on Wednesday from a reporter requesting information. Matt House, a spokesman for the Joint Congressional Committee on Inaugural Ceremonies, which staged the swearing-in and Beyoncé’s performance, also declined to comment.”

In case your Martin Luther King Day observation took you away from the C-SPAN/WSJ.com live feed on Monday, Beyoncé sang the national anthem at President Obama’s inauguration, and she did an absolutely marvelous job of it. Citizens responded with some horror, though, when news came out that Destiny’s first daughter had lip-synched the anthem.

Whatever phase we’re on now of the process of coping with this news apparently involves Grantland’s Amos Barshad’s denial staked entirely on the facial expressions of Vice President Biden, which, while trustworthy in most things, seem a little irrelevant here, however heavily Barshad wants to rely on his past experience as a writer for the Arkansas Times. He also relies on “a British audio engineer named Ian Shepherd,” who may be a fictional amalgamation of Ian Stewart, Ian McLagan, Ian MacDonald, and Ian Anderson, but who definitely is British and therefore de facto, de jure, and de bellum unable to critique any presentation of the American national anthem whatsoever in any fashion. Barshad finally comes to rest on a line from Slate: “If she was indeed lip-syncing at the inauguration, give her the Nobel Prize in mime.” Because if there’s one thing that doesn’t creep out the American public, it’s mimes. (Never mind that Chaplin was British himself.)

Also irrelevant is whether this administration has Nobel Prizes to spare, as well as whether weather was a factor. (That “the weather down there was about 46 or 44 degrees and for most singers, that is just not good singing weather” is no justification. The Constitution mandates a January inauguration, and absent an acceleration in global warming or a move to an indoor venue, such conditions always will obtain at that time.)

What is relevant is that this aggression towards genuinity shall not stand. Strip away the competing symbolism– political, patriotic, historical, celebritiotic– at work in this setting and acknowledge that this is not acceptable. If you are a singer of songs, then you must sing those songs, and if we are all here together, then you should sing your song here, right now, with us, together.

Otherwise, what’s the point? Just pipe in an acetate of Betsy Ross working out the song on a jaw harp. Save us all a lot of trouble, and save Queen Bey’s voice for the Super Inauguration Bowl next week in tropical New Orleans.

Did Beyoncé phone it in on Monday? We may never know for sure, but we sure do know that if she did, by which we mean she didn’t, that she was in the wrong, and that we would be in the wrong for accepting it.
(And really, truly, the American people are an accepting people, especially when it comes to their celebrities, and if the wind was bad, or the band was bad, or the sound system was bad, or whatever, then we would’ve understood. We wouldn’t have been mad. And we all know that)

UPDATE: The esteemed jazz archivist Monk Rowe has weighed in on this topic. At his Jazz Backstory blog, he writes:

Even now this current controversy seems to have many variations. Beyonce sang live. She didn’t sing live. The band played but the voice was recorded. The whole thing was a recording. She sang live but with a prerecorded track. The most perplexing combination of observations was that she lip synced because there was no opportunity to rehearse with the Marine band. A widely circulated photo showed Beyonce in the recording studio with members of the band. They produced a recording without a rehearsal? My own opinion is that the rather intricate arrangement written for Beyonce was not nearly as straight ahead rhythmically as most of her pop music; that she was concerned about messing up the performance and thus her image. I am aggravated to think with all the technology in this day and age that a singer can’t stand next to the conductor by the Marine band, and have the band play and sing the song. Is this too complicated?

Most people know that lip-syncing is not a new phenomenon in the music business. It was standard practice on Dick Clark’s “American Bandstand” for years. As a fan of early rock ‘n’ roll, I note that Jerry Lee Lewis was one of the few artists who insisted on performing live during his performance on that show. Thank you Jerry, for not trying to lip sync to your own wild recordings.

Perhaps after a few more inaugurations and Super Bowls, the press will breathlessly write about a diva who had the temerity to sing live, as if she wasn’t concerned enough about the performance to have a recording created to which she could mime. Maybe what we should do is simply honor the practice. The Grammys have an endless list of award categories, a few more wouldn’t hurt. They could hand out a Grammy for “Best Lip Syncing Performance at a Political Event,” “Best Lip Syncing as a Group,” “Best Instrumental Syncing on YouTube,” and so on. Then all the nominees could prerecord their acceptance speeches, lip sync them, and prevent any image-damaging spontaneity. Beyonce could receive a Lifetime Achievement Lip Syncing Award, because one thing is apparent: she does a hell of job at it.

ALDLAND Archives: Breaking Up is Hard to Do

Our Super Bowl coverage continues with another selection from the ALDLAND Vault. This time, we look back to the day after last year’s Super Bowl, through the feelings of bdoyk. -Ed.

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Breaking Up is Hard to Do

February 6, 2012

You know that feeling when you go through a break up? You wake up the next morning. You feel tired despite hours of sleep. You check your phone hoping for a text that will make you realize that what happened the night before hadn’t really happened; it was just a bad dream. … Read the rest…

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Related
ALDLAND Archives: Why I Hate Harbaugh

ALDLAND Archives: Why I Hate Harbaugh

To begin our Super Bowl coverage, we’ve gone to what little exists of the ALDLAND Vault for a classic Bpbrady rant that has aged well. -Ed.

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Why I Hate Harbaugh

October 27, 2011

Recently AD asked me with regard to Jim Harbaugh how it was that one “Michigan Man” could so heartily reject another “Michigan Man.”  Full disclosure: my hatred for various sports stars has not always been rational.  I once hated Cale Hulse with a passion because his last name was too similar to Brett Hull’s.  More recently I have hated Sidney Crosby  for perfectly good reasons, namely his role in the Penguins’ cheating to win the 2009 Stanley Cup Finals.  I like to think that my hatred of Harbaugh is similarly justified. …Read the rest…

One last note on the NFC championship game: What do we do with a Matt Ryan?

Despite fielding a squad of ninjas, the Atlanta Falcons were unable to overcome their own multi-touchdown lead and beat the San Francisco 49ers on Sunday. It’s tough to pin the loss on any one thing– a game-ending injury to Michael Turner, a weak Falcon secondary, the fact that postgame stabbings don’t count for points on the scoreboard– and web-based Atlantans are having a hard time processing the loss. (Witness Atlanta’s young bloggeratti with differing approaches to an equivalent result here and here.)

Which means its up to cold, calculating Bill Barnwell to provide answers, and he wrote about Matt Ryan the only thing that one could write about Matt Ryan.

Onto Super Bowl coverage…

UPDATE: The on-field Notre Dame football hoax you didn’t know about

evil on the internet - attack of the machinesNo, not that one, although there is a loose connection. One of the names that came up from time to time in the media’s coverage of Manti Te’o this season was that of Tim Brown. As Te’o became an increasingly serious (or unserious, depending on what you believe right now) Heisman contender, Brown’s name got kicked around because Brown was the last Notre Dame player to win the Heisman trophy, which he did during the 1987 season.

Te’o didn’t win though, and amidst the post-national championship game kerfuffle that has surrounded Te’o and Notre Dame, and in the leadup to Super Bowl XLVII, Brown thought it was a good time to reassert himself in the national sports discussion.

Now, he’s front-and-center, with a thinly veiled accusation that the Oakland Raiders threw Super Bowl XXXVII. Brown said that the Raiders’ coach, Bill Callahan, “sabotage[d]” his team by changing their offensive scheme two days before the game. Why? Callahan “had a big problem with the Raiders, . . . hated the Raiders.” That’s nothing new. Why else? Callahan wanted his “good friend[]”– opposing coach John Gruden– a Super Bowl win.

Well. Rather than make a Jon Gruden joke, I’ll just ask why nobody’s checking to see whether Les Miles is on the Bill Callahan coaching tree.

UPDATE: This isn’t just a Notre Dame thing. Brown’s teammate on that Raiders team, Jerry Rice, also spoke out in support of Brown’s assertion, and, if anything, he was less equivocal than Brown.   Continue reading

NFC Champtionship notes

The San Francisco 49ers meet the Atlanta Falcons this afternoon in the Georgia Dome to play for the opportunity to go to the Super Bowl in New Orleans. Hidden between the media’s heavy stereotyping of this matchup are a few nice preview pieces that actually track pretty well those for last week‘s game, as well as my prediction for this afternoon’s outcome:    Keep reading…

Stereotyping the NFC Championship Game

kaeprnick si coverThe San Francisco 49ers are back in the NFC Championship Game again this year, where they’ll be facing the Atlanta Falcons instead of the New York Giants, and they’ll be doing it with young go-hard Colin Kaepernick instead of old can’t-catch-a-break Alex Smith at quarterback. How is the media treating this meeting between Bay Area bohemians and members of Black Hollywood‘s elite crew?

By rushing to stereotypes, of course.

We go first to Atlanta, where you just know those FalCONS are up to no good. How did they get that way? Atlanta “like[s] players with high ‘FBI’ scores.” Because they’re criminals, you see. At least that’s what that Atlanta Journal-Constitution headline writer would make you click a link to a game-week puff piece on “football intelligence,” which no reasonable person abbreviates as “FBI.”

Let’s head out to Cali, shall we? See what’s pulled those hemp-farmers away from their crystal collections and communal energy vortex long enough to turn them into probably the best team in the NFL this season? What’s their secret? Yoga, of course! And a copy of the Dhammapada– or at least an old yearbook clipping– in every locker.

If playing to the lowest common social denominator isn’t lazy enough for you, how about a tried-and-true sports cliche? We again turn to the Falcons’ hometown paper, where we now find the Durrty Burds’ fans-of-letters grasping at straws, or other print publications, as it were. Knowing that the top seed is outmatched at home on Sunday, they’re putting their eggs in the SI Cover Curse basket, and at this point, why not? Unless it can make Kaepernick and Frank Gore disappear the way it did to the alleged girlfriend of Manti Te’o, though, I think the Falcons are going to be in a bad tangle Sunday.

Decoding Hoax Jam

After thirty-six hours like the thirty-six (forty-six?) we’ve just had, so much about the Manti Te’o-Lennay Kekua-Ronaiah Tuiasosopo-Notre Dame story remains unknown. Someone from Te’o’s side finally spoke yesterday, but the picture really isn’t much clearer. As far as I’m concerned, that’s a good thing, because it means we get to go to straight to this Jam:

How could you know that I lived in a desperate world?
How could you dream that we were all made out of stone?
What is the truth, what is the faithful lasting proof?
What is the central theme to this everlasting spoof?

ALDLAND Podcast

It has often been said that ALDLAND will make you jump, jump, and this podcast is no exception.  I am sure you can guess that we will be leading off with the biggest story of the day, possibly even of this young year.  But fear not, listener(s).  There is ample discussion of Manti “I have a girlfriend  she just goes to another school” Te’o as well as the NFL playoffs.

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