Some of you might not know who Mario Balotelli is and what he is about. Heck, it’s likely that most of you don’t know him. Rest assured, however, that your children, and your children’s children will know his name. There will undoubtedly be philosophy classes in future years focused solely on the wisdom imparted on us by Mario Balotelli. In a mere 21 years on this planet Mario Balotelli has done and said enough to fill volumes upon volumes of books. Balotelli’s achievements have not been confined to the soccer pitch, although he has had success there with European giants Internazionale and Manchester City. Here is just a sampling of what makes him not just the greatest athlete of all time, but the greatest mind of all time:
Balotelli became the face of a fireworks safety campaign in Britain after one of his friends set off fireworks in the bathroom of Balotelli’s mansion during a party, thereby setting fire to the mansion.
After scoring a brace in the Manchester Derby against crosstown rivals Manchester United, rolled around Manchester in his Bentley convertible, blaring music and high fiving City fans.
When asked about his post-match joyride, responded by saying about City’s fans, “Even when I have had bad moments they have supported me. But I don’t care what people say about me. I am focused on my football, my manager, girlfriends and my family.” Yeah, he just said girlfriends. Mario Balotelli is playing the field and he doesn’t care if you, his manager, or even his multiple girlfriends know
Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that all happened in one weekend. In one weekend, Mario Balotelli has done more crazy stuff than most athletes do in their entire life. Even Terrell Owens would be shocked at what Balotelli was able to accomplish in just three short days.
You might say, ”well, none of that sounds too crazy or awesome,” to which I would reply “hmmm,” because that is how I reply to most things people say to me. In case you aren’t convinced that Balotelli is the craziest, most awesome thing to happen to sports since Wade Boggs drank 64 beers on a cross country flight, here is some other awesome stuff that Super Mario has done:
- One time Balotelli was at a restaurant and saw the, *ahem*, lady of the night with whom Wayne Rooney almost destroyed his marriage and started chanting “Rooney” at her. Mario Balotelli can’t be bothered with social conventions like not making a scene in a restaurant. If he sees a prostitute who made sexy time with one of his biggest rivals, he is going to call her out on it, decorum be damned!
- Another day Balotelli was hanging around Manchester City’s training complex and thought to himself, “you know what would be fun? If I threw darts out this window at the youth team players.” You might say, “wow that is really insensitive and quite frankly not at all safe.” I would reply by saying that this is conclusive evidence that Mario Balotelli is both immortal and unable to understand that others are not immortal like he is.
- Mario Balotelli is also super lucky, as one time he was at a casino in Manchester and won £25K. Outside the casino, he saw a homeless man and decided to give him some of his winnings. He has a heart of gold!
- He tried to do this:
I don’t even try to do that in FIFA . . . largely because I can’t . . . . Yeah, that was a friendly against the LA Galaxy, but still. Mario Balotelli is going to do what he wants on the pitch when he wants to do it, and right then he decided he wanted to try the craziest backheel shot he could muster up.
This is still only a small sampling of the life and times of Mario Balotelli. So add him to your RSS feeds or whatever newfangled internet thing the kids are using these days to keep up with things on the world wide web, because I have a feeling that this story is only going to get better. At this rate I expect him to be pulling peoples’ hearts out of their chests like the kali ma guy from Temple of Doom around late December/early January. And let’s be honest, who doesn’t want to see that?
Oh yeah, I almost forgot about the Taiwanese animation recap of the events of last weekend. Enjoy.