An Open Letter to Zach Parise

Dear Mr. Parise:

The word on the street is that you are about to be an unrestricted free agent.  A lot of teams are going to be calling you up and offering you ridiculous sums of money to play for them.  The Devils, the Rangers, the Wild . . . they are all going to be courting you.  The Detroit Red Wings will also likely be placing a call to your agent.  You should totally sign with them, and here’s why:

  • They have enough money to up your salary by a decent amount: As I understand it, you are making around 6 million dollars this year.  Well, how would you like to be making 7 or even 7.5 million dollars?  That is a lot of millions of dollars!  While it is true that the Wings might not be able to pay you 9 million dollars or more, like some teams, but that brings me to my next point . . .
  • The Red Wings can offer you the best chance to win: Do you know who currently owns the longest postseason streak in professional sports?  That’s right, the Detroit Red Wings.  Sixteen teams make the playoffs each year, and for the last twenty-one seasons, the Red Wings have been one of them.  In that time span, they have won an unmatched four Stanley Cups and countless division titles and President’s Trophies.  And they want to win more Stanley Cups, division titles and President’s Trophies.  Datsyuk and Zetterberg need some help to add to the trophy cabinet, and that’s where you come in.

 

  • The Red Wings have cool uniforms: You’re from Minnesota, and grew up during the height of the North Stars era, so you know cool uniforms.  And who has cooler uniforms than the Red Wings?  Well, the Hartford Whalers, but they can’t offer you a contract.  You have to admit that cruising around the ice in the winged wheel every night would be awesome.  And to top it off you get to wear some as of right now unannounced third jersey for the Winter Classic that will surely be pretty special.

 

  • The Red Wings can offer you more exposure: The Red Wings are one of the most popular and visible franchises in the NHL, and your face will be out on more merchandise and in more ads than you can count.  Plus, how would you like to play before the largest crowd EVER to see a hockey game anywhere ever?  Well as a member of the Wings, you get to take ice at Michigan Stadium in front of approximately 111,000 fans on January 1, 2013.  Super cool!

 

  • Bad Jeremy said you should go to the Wings: This is Bad Jeremy (see below).  An avid Devils fan, he admitted after Game 2 of the Stanley Cup finals that you should go to Detroit because the Devils don’t deserve you.

  • You might get to play with your friend Ryan Suter: Ryan Suter is also a free agent, and you know who has enough money to sign both you and him?  If you guessed the Detroit Red Wings, you would be correct.  Wouldn’t it be fun playing with one of your best buds from years of playing for the US National Team at various levels?  You and Ryan can bond with the rest of the Wings about how much you hate Sidney Crosby.  And trust me, no city hates Sidney Crosby more than us.

So there you have it, a by no means exhaustive (but pretty close to exhaustive) list of reasons why you joining the Detroit Red Wings would be totally rad.  Feel free to come up with your own reasons, because people are probably going to ask you for them at your introductory press conference.

Sincerely,

Brendan P. Brady

P.S. Mr. Suter, most of these reasons also apply to you, so you should totally sign on with the Wings too.  We promise we won’t hold you to the standard set by Nicklas Lidstrom.

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