As much as I hate Peter King’s writing, and as much as I enjoy KSK’s Drew Magary’s Fire Joe Morgan-like takedowns of PK’s MMQ pieces, I’ve always had the vague feeling that PK is too easy a target. A surfeit of travel, coffee, and beernerdness vignettes? Check. Repeated name droppings? You better believe it. Nuggetmania? Yes, please. Constant equivocations? Possibly, MAYBE. While this gives Big Daddy Drew the opportunity really delve into the lofty, nugget-laden soul of Peter King, I think it’s kind of unfair. PK just has no clue. It’s like picking on the kid in the remedial reading group because his short stories aren’t up to snuff. So in my continued attempt at derivative mediocrity, I take on what I’d like to thing is a much more worthy subject, Bill Simmons, who having once written under the moniker Boston Sports Guy, has since graduated to editor-in-chief of the most-pretentious-sports-blog-parading-around-as-the-Ernest-Hemingway-of-sports-and-social-commentary. Fingers crossed. So what’s the Sports Guy writing about most recently?
(Simmons is in bold.)
Recently in the Grantland offices, we developed a nasty conversational habit of discussing everything like stocks. As in, “I’m in on the new security guard, I’m buying 500 shares of him” or “I can’t believe how much I enjoy Diet Dr Pepper, I’m selling my Diet Coke shares.” It’s a stupid, indefensible, annoying and strangely addictive gimmick.
Remember that cliche of douchey guys in high school? That’s us.
Things went too far when …
We started discussing everything like stocks.
A good example: the Lions of Detroit. I liked them as a sleeper this summer and flaked when so many others came to the same conclusion. … I stubbornly decided, “I’m going the other way on the Lions, I think they’ll be this year’s ‘The Bandwagon Collapses From All The Weight’ team.” When they pummeled my Patriots in Week 3 of the preseason — with noticeable/likable/undeniable swagger, by the way — I amended that feeling.
“SOMEONE BEAT THE FACKIN’ PATS?!! UN-FACKIN-BELIEVABLE.”
(Patriots pre-season record over the last 4 years: .438%)
The most intriguing part: The Lions didn’t even play well.
“I KNEW THEY DIDN’T BELAAWNG AAN THE SAME FACKIN’ FIELD AS WELKAAAH AND BRADY!!”
You know what really swayed me?
Was it that they beat the Patriots? (Humblebrag Count: 1. Speaking of humblebrags, I like how Simmons will both humblebrag about his teams and about himself. I can’t decide which is worse.)
WASHINGTON & BUFFALO: Not yet, fellas. Show me another week.
See, I take my imaginary football stocks very seriously, just as I do my arguments that Steve Carell, Zach Galifianakis, and Justin Timberlake are among a handful of elite movie starts working in Hollywood today. “5000 words. This means something, it’s important.”
CLEVELAND: Remember when Miami ran that awful fade pass on fourth-and-goal to Brian Hartline in Monday’s Pats-Dolphins game, the classic “trying to get too cute” football play that seemingly works about 12.77 percent of the time because four things can go wrongand only one thing can go right? And remember how the Football Gods paid them back for their idiocy with Welker’s 99-yard touchdown on the next play?
“WELKAAAAHHH!” (Humblebrag Count: 2)
INDIANAPOLIS: (Glancing away awkwardly.)
It took everything ounce of willpower for BS not to mention the Manning face. This has to be one of the more annoying things about Simmons’ notoriety. He no longer has to explicitly reference his obvious homer-isms for his devoted following to understand it. “Look, look, I didn’t say that thing that everyone knows I’m thinking!”
BALTIMORE: Of the Week 1 teams, only New England, Green Bay and Baltimore had what our friend Mike Lombardi calls “The Look.” You know it when you see it. I saw it with the Ravens last week. BUYING: 500 shares.
Ah yes, “The Look”. The look of an overage, bum-back QB shredding the Raven’s impenetrable defense. Bill Simmons, you are an oracle.
N.Y. GIANTS: If you have any friends who root for the Giants, casually slip this question into your next football conversation: “Do you guys think you’ll trade Eli when you get the rights to Luck?” Then wait for the double take and the stammering. SELLING: Sold my shares before the season, feeling good about it.
DALLAS: In Tuesday’s BS Report with Cousin Sal, I compared Tony Romo’s big-game performance to Kenny from South Park — you know he’s dying in every episode, you just don’t know how.
Hey, did you guys know that I’m friends with Trey Parker and Matt Stone? (Humblebrag Count: 3)
Let’s tackle the Week 2 picks …
Let’s look a little closer at BS’s forecasting ability. God, I love 20/20 highsight.
BILLS (-3.5) over Raiders
Do you go “Don’t take a West Coast team playing a 1 p.m. Sunday game on the East Coast 5½ days after playing the late game in a Monday night doubleheader” or “Don’t take a Chan Gailey team giving more than three points unless it’s a UFL, Arena Football or Mountain West game” here? I’m leaning toward the Bills only because the Raiders are banged up and haven’t been 2-0 since Al Davis was alive.
I love the “Do you think I can I make it an internet meme simply by placing it in quotations game” that Simmons love to play. Are you taking the moxy of “going your own road,” or do you just pass it off as “poor grammar”?
LIONS (-9) over Chiefs
A good Vegas value game: You have a potentially overvalued team (Detroit) going against a potentially undervalued team (KC). Except … I think those values are dead-on.
Guys, I know this sure thing. MAYBE.
Except … he WAS right! And it was the butler in the library with the candlestick!
TITANS (+6) over Ravens
The kind of game that the Ravens should win handily if they’re really good. Quietly at stake as the undercard: Ray Rice stealing the BRBA (Best Running Back Alive) championship belt from Chris Johnson. It’s in play.
Chris Johnson: 24 carries for 53 yards. And Rice?
Ray Rice: 13 carries for 43 yards. It’s Johnson by a nose!
Browns (-2.5) over COLTS
Speaking of catastrophes, I’m launching a new segment in the NFL picks column this season: the NBA Lockout Watch, sponsored by Anusol. That’s right, Anusol, the cream you should buy for your itchy anus. If you’re clawing at your anus like a bear trying to break through a camper’s tent, it’s time for Anusol. Anyway, here’s this week’s edition of the Anusol NBA Lockout Watch (feel free to skip four paragraphs to the next game) …
Best line of the entire column. Thank you for not wasting my ENTIRE afternoon with a 500-word aside about the NBA, which you introduced with a butt-joke. And don’t get me wrong, I LOVE butt-jokes; but Bill, you can do better.
Bears (+6.5) over SAINTS
Upset special: Bears 34, Saints 24. I don’t think the Saints can play defense anymore. By the way, I spent $19 on Marques Colston in my West Coast fantasy auction, then another $7 on Robert Meachem as a receiver handcuff for the inevitable Colston injury … and, of course, Colston broke his collarbone in Week 1. Instead of handcuffs, I still say we should pick six fantasy football tandems each season and agree to combine their stats as one superguy: This year, Marqbert Colchem, Aarob Gronkandez, Marren Sprolegram, Ryames Granarks, Ryanike Mathbert and Ben-Danvis Greenwood Ellis-Head would have gone for big bucks.
Let’s see… offenses of the Saints, Patriots, Saints, Packers, Chargers, and Patriots. While we’re at it, let’s just altogether dump the individual offensive players. We could have 3 selections in each fantasy draft: offense, defense, and special teams. All three phases. Good idea, Bill, it’s just like the real thing!
GIANTS (-6) over Rams
Hate this pick.
Do you think this haunts Simmons’ dreams? I do. Despite going 37-13 during the regular season, they haven’t won a single playoff game since.
Bengals (+3.5) over BRONCOS
I’m putting down $100 on 100-to-1 odds that Carson Palmer’s comeback for the 6-0 Bengals during their bye week will bring back memories of Dirk Diggler’s emotional return to Jack Horner’s house.
“I’m putting fictional money down on made up odds that something that won’t happen to a team that won’t have an undefeated record will bring back memories of a fictional story that never happened, all because I want to reference a porn film with Mark Wahlberg and Burt Reynolds.” Irony aside, it would have been easier to simply ask, “Do you think Wahlberg’s penis was real?”
Texans (-3.5) over DOLPHINS
I’m still trying to figure out how Tom Brady didn’t break Norm Van Brocklin’s passing record in Monday night’s game against the Dolphins. Every pass play seemed like it could have gone for between 10 and 50 yards; you would have thought Miami was playing two guys down because of two red cards.
(Humblebrag Count: 4)
Chargers (+7) over PATRIOTS
The Pats looked superhuman in Miami. … By the way, Tom Brady is putting Pats fans through the grinder right now: He’s playing with his hair Vujacic-style on the sideline, he’s throwing for 517 yards in one game, he’s making UGG commercials, he’s making likable cameos in Bill Belichick documentaries … the heads of Boston fans are spinning.
(Humblebrag Count: 5)
Eagles (+2.5) over FALCONS
I somehow ended up with Michael Vick as my quarterback in both fantasy leagues and it’s infinitely more exciting than I expected. Every play feels like it might go for 15 points. The experience reminds me of a famous Hollywood story that HAS to be an urban legend; it’s so ridiculous that I feel comfortable passing it along, only because it’s impossible that anyone could be this much of a douchebag. Anyway, back when Craig Kilborn had his CBS late-night show, he supposedly had a male actor on for two segments and they were supposedly talking about women during commercial. Either the actor didn’t realize that they were miked and everyone in the control booth could hear him, or he didn’t care. The actor asked if Kilborn had ever “had the Theron,” meaning Charlize Theron. Kilborn said no. That’s when the actor smirked, leaned in and said, “Kilby … you have GOT to try the Theron.” Here’s the point: It takes an urban legend to describe how I feel about having Michael Vick on both fantasy teams. Kilby … you have GOT to try the Vick.
(Attempts to scrub mental image of Simmons and Vick. Can’t.) Yup, this is our blogger.